I have a short fuse, and I had to count to ten and not move for several seconds to let the anger seep out of me slowly. There were so many things I wanted to say, so many things I wanted to do to them, including getting up from my chair and smacking them in the face. I managed to cool off, but it dampened my mood for the rest of the evening.
I used to be a much less pacifist kid, especially since I was bullied a lot both in and out of school. Books were my weapon of choice. I regret that now, of course, but I didn't know any better. What I have to resist now is letting a slew of hurtful words fly past my lips when someone has wronged me. While some people would suggest imagining the Horrible Person being tormented and tortured in gruesome ways, it doesn't really help me feel any better in the long run. I don't want to harbour resentment for other people. It's not worth my time and energy to focus it all on negative emotions all the time, including the part where I try to quell my rage.
Art therapy worked for me today. Instead of the dark and angsty doodles my adolescent self was wont to draw in her worst moments (including but not limited to violent scenes against All Who Have Wronged Her!), I drew myself as a confident lady. When I say confident, I mean it was the first time I drew myself with a more faithful representation of my body. Yes, that includes my fat and my assets (the latter is both a blessing and a curse.)
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| My art for Day 17 of Doodle a Day |
I feel a lot better having decided to direct all my remaining energy towards more positive pursuits, rather than wallow in negative emotions. This isn't an easy thing to do for someone like me who has depression and anxiety, but when I'm able to do it, it feels incredibly fulfilling.
At the end of even the crappiest of days, a little self-love goes a long way. :)
- Mel
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